I wanted to deactivate my bookstagram or I gonna die

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I wanted to deactivate my bookstagram or I gonna die - Spill The Beans

Hi Everyone, Sofie is here!! haha. Just wanna spill the beans 👀 yes... I know. It is not the usual post in Silly Wonk Book Blog. I also didn't plan to post my personal live update here in the first place.

Honestly, I am freaking stressed right now (While I write this post? - yes). Since I am stressed out and Silly Wonk have the 'Silly Wonk Speaks' since the beginning of this blog was created by me. So, why not if I also have my own speech. Speech lah sangat. To the blog readers or bookish friends who knew me since I created bookstagram in 2018, maybe you know-know lah kan. My English is not perfect. Tapi tak apa lah. Tak belajar, tak pandai sampai bila-bila jawabnya. So, here I spill the beans with Manglish lah, Okay. Baru lancar sikit nak curhat. hkjkhjk 😂😆

So, why did I put the "Spill The Beans" category/labels here? The therapist said, feeling vulnerable is good. Vulnerability is not a sign of weakness. It is a strength that allows us to be our authentic selves. Kan? Ehh tapi I didn't say I'm strong enuff. Just wanna be brave telling people what is going on in my life, my thoughts, my emotions, and my pet? Maybe? Hhaha...

Yes. I am a kinda vulnerable woman (eww... I feel awkward to call myself a woman - padahal dah 32 this year). Tapi nak sebut as a girl pun dah tak sesuai. Hhahahha.. pity me! 😂

Honest laa kan. Actually, I have spilled the beans everywhere. I follow the mood. I have many blogs, private and public because I am a chaotic creature with a lot of bubbles on my head. Serabut, mess, intrusive thoughts, and distractions are my best friends. The worst thought level depends on the pressure I have to face lah.

Biasalah kan kehidupan ni memang penuh dengan pancaroba. Naik turun macam roda. Kalau dah terpaksa berjalan atas duri, teruskan! Biarkan darah itu menjadi saksi kekuatan yang kau hidupkan dari bawah kulit seluruh tubuh kau. Biarkan air mata yang mengalir itu menjadi saksi betapa peritnya kau untuk bangun tetapi kau tetap bangun!

oh? Wow! did I write that? I actually have many insane thoughts. I posted it on another blog. I know I know... Sofie is the weirdest creature with so many blogs. 😈

I'm supposed to do my 3 jobs today but you knowhh... I am kinda stress 😖. You wanna know what makes me feel this way today? It is because I just got the news that I am maybe, have to extend my mom's appointment to the Queen Elizabeth Hospital again. And again. And again. It's happened since the pandemic. I feel so bad. I don't know lah weyh. So many tests for me since 2016. Dah 2022 dah ni tapi tu lah. It's okay. I believe in Allah. Everything happened for a reason. Allah knows what is the best untuk umatnya. Insya Allah.


Since I should talk about books in this yellow blog. So yellow kan? hHaha... So I also wanna spill the beans regarding books too. Specifically, about bookstagram sebenarnya. If you explore this blog's kat sana dan kat sini, you gonna know this blog is actually very lonely. Hhahaha... I lepak in here like the delicious chocolate biscuit, Chipmore extra choco chips. Hmm... the dark chocolate. Kejap ada. Kejap takde.

Dan ini yang ke berapa kali entah, saya cerita blog ni I created because terinspirasi dengan bookish paling favorite yang I accidentally follow on the Instagram a long time ago, Fatina. She still used "The Infinity Words" when I was following her rapat-rapat. Now, she uses another name, "The Amazing Distance". Then, I also created the Bookstagram on the same date I created this blog. I was so excited!

I asked Fatina, "Fatina, how many pages do you read in a day?" because I was kagum with her reading an English book. So many books. Then, She said, "Oh... I have no idea..." Hehe. Make sense. Why lah I tanya soalan tu. Dah suka baca buku, kita sepatutnya tak akan perasan berapa patah perkataan kita dah baca dalam sehari. Dari siang bertukar ke malam pun we are not gonna perasan! Because we do enjoy the reading so much!


Eh... may I write the book reviews like this? More comfortable pula style macam ni 😂😅 Kau ni Sofie 💩


Then, after I am active (masa tu) on my Bookstagram, I am acquainted with other bookstagrammer. I was like "Alamak!" they are very young generations. Very young and talented book reviewers. Sumpah! Out of a sudden, I felt ashamed because dah la talented, speaking English bukan main fluent lagi. Cantik-cantik dan kacak-kacak pula tuh. Ehh? 😅 The photography, the book's flat lays, the lighting, everything about them amazed me. I was stunned, almost unable to think rationally. Tiberr I allowed myself to have the suicidal thoughts. Just because of the bookish and bookstagram? Really?? gah!

In my mind masa tu apa? I wanted to deactivate my bookstagram or I gonna die. Hhahahahahhaaha... Then, my husband said, "Calm lah. It's just a bookstagram".

Astagah (Astaghfirullah in Kedayan style in Labuan) macam mana la bah boleh jadi begini, I said to myself. But then, I am being friends with Aiza Idris. A Sarawakian bookish. And Irina. Also, someone in Dubai (Malaysian living in Dubai - Aduh! Lupa pula nama dia) make me feel comfortable again in the bookstagram community.

So, I stayed. After 1 year I became a bookstagrammer and book blogger, Finally, I got a collaboration invitation from the distributor. 😱 Psst! let me be very deep-deeper-deepest honest with you. I know your perception of me might change after you know this. It's a bad attitude I think. I wanna free books. BECAUSE I'm broke. Hhahaha...

I masuk kedai buku bought books juga but I can't buy everything. Kan? Kena lah jimat. Makan tak pakai buku. Hah! So, the point is I was greedy. I am a slow reader like siput bab1 but I accepted the invitation. Actually, I aimed for that distributor for a long time. It is my dream come true sebenarnya. So, if I reject the invitation. I am stupid namanya.

I  hardly finish all the books because I am a very slow reader and easily distracted. Focus is a huge problem in my entire life. Gahahaha. I'm seriously stressed with this kinda problem of mine.

I stayed. I stayed. I stayed.

But tak lama sangat. I escaped to the cave of the dark and toxic mind again. Ketulahan la bah kali. Because of the greediness. 😝

My anxiety level was very high every time I scrolled the bookstagram feed. 💥 Disaster betul! But, I tried to focus on the real reason why I created the Bookstagram. So, I update lah sikit-sikit although tak lawa ke apa. So, memang on/off lah my existence in bookstagram community. Just chit-chat a little bit with Irina, and Siz reads, Tanvi from Singapore (Tanvi is a really nice and sweet Bookstagrammer), and other bookish sometimes.

YES. Today I told you the truth. I'm suffering from 'Bookstagram Anxiety' because I am judging my ability on other Bookstagrammer scales. As I said, there are so talented, brilliant, and intelligent, and they "look so rich" with the aesthetic content.

At some point, I lost. I lost in the bad feelings,

"I'm not good enough"

"My flat lay photos are ugly"

"My review sucks"

"My books are boring"

I also lost my real objective. Why do I read? For money? For followers? For the free books? To impress people? Riak like that? Show off that I have sho manyy booookskss? Ujub for the books I have read and have so much knowledge?

Screw that. Think again.

I lost and I miss the girl I used to be. I miss the way I read. I don't care what people say about the book genre I read. I don't fucking care if my book's photographs are ugly but the important is the message, the content of the book, and the plot that makes my mind-blowing. Also, all the tips for life in a self-help book that very helping people to live. That's all.

I don't feel the enjoyment anymore in reading. Too much competition in my thoughts. I want to be like her. I want to be like him. I want that books too! I want to collect that series too. Dang!


This is how Bookstagram affects my mental health. So painful being this way. Coincidentally that time as well, in 2019, we are struggling with the new norm because of the Covid-19. People like me, the creature made of the combination of introverted, melancholia, and anxious are very experts in isolation. I am very good with that. But... I'm not an expert to controlled my overthinking, intrusive mind, and energy suckers. I was surrounded by an energy sucker while the outbreak of Covid-19. 😐

Books? Reading while MCO? Nah. I'm shrouded in a reading slump and 24 hours tired of being surrounded by people as the result of the MCO. Isolation is my expertise but it's not only me who isolated. A quiet atmosphere turned into a state of chaos throughout the neighborhood due to MCO. Everyone is here.

I had to abandon this blog, bookstagram, and books at that time. I was Headache, overwhelmed, and irritated. Lemas... I felt like I was buried in the swamp. When all the bookworms are busy with the happiness of the MCO as a result of being able to read quietly at home, I am in turn busy with controlling myself from not getting angry at all the noisy people and not understanding the boundaries.

I felt bad having these feelings and emotions. I didn't want to be a bad person. But, what do I need to do? Cry? It doesn't help! 👽 Okay. I wanna stop talking about these feelings that I felt before. I feel better now. Insya Allah.

I Want To Die but I Want To Eat Tteokbokki

Eh? Apa punya kebetulan lah. Nak mati juga? Hhaha. What is Tteokbokki? So, This book is being phenomenal because recommended by BTS uh? wow wow. I'm not a BTS fan. I am just neutral with them. But the titles attracted me. I can feel her.

I never read a book written by a  Korean author before. I wonder about the style of writing and the way their think. Lagipun the tajuk little bit funny but a little bit suicidal juga kan. I wanna know more badly.

I want you. Wait for me, baby! 😋💖

I think, enough of spilling the beans for today. I realize my beans (time) are not enough. Hhehehe... See you then.


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